Relationship Stages

“Commitment is what transforms a promise into reality. It is the words that speak boldly of your intentions. And the actions which speak louder than the words. It is making the time when there is none. Coming through time after time after time, year after year after year. Commitment is the stuff character is made of: the power to change the face of things. It is the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism.”

Shearson Lehman

Commitment is one of the least understood aspects of a romantic partnership because we lack the emotional awareness to understand why it can be difficult to achieve in a long-term relationship. Commitment is in fact about our willingness to heal our own insecurities without divorcing, breaking up, or finding new partners. When we do not feel committed to someone we are afraid that we will not be able to love them long term and that we will eventually let them down and/or hurt them in some way. We may well have fallen in love and been convinced of our commitment in the early stages of the relationship, but as time progresses doubt sets in. We may also fear that our commitment to one person will mean that we will lose something we feel is vital to our happiness such as freedom and autonomy. We may feel trapped in a relationship, with feelings of claustrophobia and lack of control. There will be a strong desire to end the relationship and see if there is somebody who will make us happier. We set out on the road to “the grass is greener on the other side” syndrome, which if you keep down that road will bring you right back to the very place you started.

Healing

Deep down, our real fear of commitment comes from a feeling that we are not good enough and that nobody, including us, deserves or can achieve continuous loving attention. We do not really have faith in the power of love to solve problems and maintain our relationship through the inevitable ups and downs of life. This lack of self-assurance usually originates when we are young and is strengthened by the challenges of adult life. In looking for a partner, we subconsciously try to find someone who will heal our insecurities and make us happy. Unfortunately, nobody can do this for us and if we are unwilling to work on our own issues we will search the rest of our lives for the “perfect” partner. Of course, the “perfect” partner does not exist. So consequently we become relationship “hoppers”.

Therefore, we must change our mindset from the assumption that our lack of commitment is due to the deficiencies and superficial failings in our partner. Any judgments that we have about our partner are actually projections of our own self-judgment. This is why our ability to commit stems from our ability to find self-love and acceptance. As we learn to transition from self-judgment and begin to build self-esteem, we will feel more love for our partner and then find it easier to commit.

Commitment

With commitment a relationship becomes deeper and more intense; making up for the perceived loss of freedom that we believed was the price of commitment. Commitment is recognition of our state of connectedness to another person and is built on our willingness to remove any hindrances to that connectedness. As we commit, we see more and more beauty in our partner and our mutual love propels the relationship forward in a sustained and loving bond.

TO SOLVE OUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP DYSFUNCTION, WE MUST CHANGE OUR MINDSET FROM THE WRONG ASSUMPTION THAT OUR LACK OF COMMITMENT IS DUE TO DEFICIENCIES AND SUPERFICIAL FAILINGS IN OUR PARTNER.

Relationship Stages: Healing

Heart2Heartrelationships.com

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